Stories of Healing: Tegan

Tegan’s struggle with disordered eating started at age 11, continuing well on into adulthood. But the more she fought for control over her body’s appearance, the more she lost control over her overall health and life. In 2018, Tegan found Rock Recovery and her life was forever changed. In joining Rock’s groups she never felt more seen, heard and accepted.

Rock program graduate, Tegan

I recently came across one of my journal entries from age 11. It was a list of my favorite foods that I had decided I could live without based on how many calories were in them. I’m not sure at which age exactly my eating disorder began but it’s clear in memories like these that there was a deeply unhealthy relationship with food from a young age. My family is extremely athletic, and I learned quickly that I could gain the affirmation I needed as a young girl by being excellent at sports. As I strove for that excellence, I learned to restrict food and have extremely regimented workouts.

When I entered college, my identity felt lost without high school sports.  I increased my food restriction and exercise. However, the more I fought for control over my body’s appearance, the more I lost control of my overall health and life. I missed friends’ important celebrations to avoid eating. I punished myself with overnight workouts on holidays where I felt I ate too much. One day riding my bike home I had a stomach cramp so severe I had to lay on a lawn next to the sidewalk before walking my bike home. My sleep suffered, my health suffered, my social life suffered.

At this point I sought out therapy, not knowing why my mind was so obsessed with my body. My therapist diagnosed me with “atypical anorexia”, meaning I had some of the habits of anorexia, but I was still a “healthy” body weight. I felt gutted and alone. I didn’t feel “healthy” and was frustrated my body wasn’t showing how ill my mind felt. I questioned if being “atypical” meant I even had or deserved treatment for my eating disorder.

I suffered for another decade in more therapy, trying to change the obsessions in my mind, but never understanding how to change my actual habits. I gave up on recovery, deciding this is just the way my life would always be.

In 2018, I began dating my now-husband. I loved him dearly but our relationship suffered as it became clear I was prioritizing my eating disorder habits over him. He encouraged me to seek help again, and my church recommended Rock Recovery’s Breaking Bread group therapy. I was terrified to join, still believing I was “atypical” for an eating disorder. I worried people would see me and think I didn’t deserve to be there and didn’t need recovery.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Joining that group, I never felt more seen, heard, and understood. I saw every body size and every form of disordered eating, and yet we were all the same. We all struggled to feel safe and accepted in our bodies. We all struggled to find control in relationships and in our identities. We all felt consumed by thoughts of self-doubt and hatred. We all needed help to find new ways to cope with anxiety, love our bodies, and have freedom.

In that group, I ate the fear foods that I could have never tried eating by myself. I learned from a nutritionist why these foods were actually part of a well-balanced meal. I heard inspiring stories of others’ complete recovery and how their life had changed.

After that program, I can confidently and VERY excitedly say, I have complete freedom from my eating disorder. That group was the final step I needed in decades of recovery. I learned how to trust my body again, and how to eat and exercise intuitively. The space in my mind that was once completely consumed with controlling my body is now completely freed to focus on my faith, my passions, and serving and supporting the people around me.

Because of my recovery I have had health in my marriage, the courage to have children, and opportunities to encourage other women to pursue recovery. I could not be more grateful for the women and therapists in my Breaking Bread group and my time at Rock Recovery for giving me LIFE again. To the supporters and donors of Rock Recovery, thank you. You are literally life-giving!

If you relate to Tegan’s story and are looking to begin experiencing the same healing and freedom, we invite you to schedule a free consultation to learn more about our eating disorder therapy services today. You can click here to learn more.